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Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Susie, who created the universe?" When Susie didn"t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. A little later the Nun asked Susie, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Susie didn"t stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Susie. And the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Susie fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, Red Skelton"s tips for a Happy Marriage: Broken Engagement Dear Marty, Insurance An insurance agent was teaching his wife to drive when the brakes suddenly failed on a steep, downhill grade. Good Treatment Bob went over to his friend Joe"s house and was amazed at how well Joe treated his wife. He often told her how attractive she was, complimented her on her cooking and showered her with hugs and kisses. Pregnant Seven months pregnant, my hand on my aching back, I stood in line at the post office for what seemed an eternity.
Usually she slept through the class.
"God Almighty!" shouted Susie.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I"ll break it in half!"
The nun fainted!
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is inTucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven"t been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn"t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn"t know her first name was Always.
12. I haven"t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don"t like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What"s on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren"t really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job.
I am also very sure that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park, too. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can"t learn everything about life from books.
I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely, Your future father-in-law.
P.S. Congratulations on winning the lottery!
"I can"t stop!" she shrilled. "What should I do?"
"Brace yourself," advised her husband, "and try to hit something cheap."
"Gee," Bob remarked later, "you really make a big fuss over your wife".
"I started to appreciate her more about six months ago," Joe said. "It has revived our marriage and we couldn"t be happier."
Inspired, Bob hurried home, hugged his wife and told her how much he loved her and said he wanted to hear all about her day. But she burst into tears. "Honey," Bob said, "whats" the matter?".
"This has been the worst day," she replied. "This morning Billy fell off his bike and broke his ankle, then the washing machine broke. Now to top it off, you come home drunk !".
"Honey," said a woman behind me, "I had back pain during my pregnancy. I was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a nerve."
Then the man in front of me piped up....
"You"d better get used to it now. Once those kids get on your nerves, they can stay there till they"re 18."
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